Wise Observer

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly” -anonymous

Hope

As I sat on a plane going to Atlanta, I felt the sadness that has been welling up inside of me thinking about the funeral of my dear niece Sara. I just spoke to her less than a week before on the phone. We actually had a longer than normal conversation, lasting almost a half hour. I detected nothing in her voice to lead me to worry about her. She seemed to be dealing with her life and the recent surgery removing her appendix, and getting back to work. I heard nothing that sounded an alarm. That’s the thing about suicide. There often is no outward sign that something is wrong. I’ve dealt with suicide before. My best friend Bob was the first really close person to me that left this planet by his own hand. I felt helpless then, and I feel helpless now. The difference is that this time, I knew what to do to help, and I still wasn’t able to.

A friend of mine wrote to me after hearing about my niece, telling me that she too had had suicidal thoughts in her past and how she didn’t reach out either. Luckily for her something inside her kept her from completing her attempt. We all have different strengths inside of us. The problem is that sometimes things can feel overwhelming. I certainly have felt that way, but there’s always been something that kept me here.

To anyone that reads this, and ever feels alone and hopeless, know that there is always hope. You may not be able to see it, but reach out for help and someone else will be able to see it for you. Sometimes professionals have limiting beliefs and pass them on to others. Like a doctor that says there’s nothing we can do. The correct wording would be there’s nothing more I know how to do. But don’t give up! Hope is what creates miracles. It’s a belief, that no matter how things look, there can be something done, or something created to change what might be fact or truth as we now know it. Miracles indeed happen every day.

I have to say that suicide is never the answer. I have to think that once the person crosses over, they realize that there was another way, but it’s too late, at least this time. The effect that suicide has is so much more than most people could realize. We affect so many people that if we choose suicide, we never see the wide ripple effect it causes. I was caught in a tidal wave effect when my friend Bob died. I was in tremendous pain. I cried for days. I cried for years. Jimmy Stewart in “It’s a Wonderful Life” found out what difference he made to all the people around him. He got a second chance. Unfortunately we don’t usually get that in life. It has to be known, by each of us. Dustin Hoffman in “Hero” found out he made a difference in lives, even though before that his life wasn’t about contributing to others.

We all contribute to others in different ways. I try to contribute to others with my work, my writing, my speaking. But everybody contributes to the world one way or another. We touch many people in our lives. Many we never know about, and of course the ones we do. When suicide is chosen, many more people are affected and hurt that the person could possibly realize. I don’t pretend to have the answers to everyone’s problems, but I do know that they do, and perhaps can’t see them because of their depression.

The key is to reach out to someone. If they don’t have the answer, or aren’t supportive, find someone else that is. There are suicide hotlines all over the country. (1 800 SUICIDE 1 800 784-2433, or 1 800 273-TALK.1 800 273-8255) There are friends, family, ministers, therapists, books, etc. Reach out! Don’t give up! Pray for guidance. Talk to someone, anyone. Let someone know that you are in pain. Hold on. It will get better. That’s a guarantee. Believe me.

What to do when you feel stuck?

One of the first things to do is to slow down and center yourself if you can. Do this by taking a deep breath. Literally take a couple of deep breaths letting them out slowly. Breathing is powerful in calming you down and allowing better thought processes to occur.

Look into someone’s eyes, or if alone, look into a mirror. This eye to eye connection helps also to calm and center you.

Reach out for help. Help is always available and knowing that there is a way out even if you can’t see it is extremely important. Believe that you can be helped and you do deserve help no matter what. Sometimes you’re too close to the picture to be able to see the big picture and therefore the solution to the problem. Einstein said “You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it.” In other words either you have to shift your thinking or have someone else help you to find the solution. Talk to someone that you know will support you, and not add to your stress level. Sometimes a good friend or family member fills this roll. Other times a coach, minister or therapist can offer not only a sympathetic ear, but also techniques and advice to guide you through your challenge. Tell them if you just want them to listen, or if you want them to listen and then offer advice.

Remember you do have your own answers. Sometimes you can’t see them without shifting or having support.

Take a time-out for yourself. Place a little distance between you and your problem. This sometimes is physical distance, other times just closing your eyes and deep breathing, creating a safe space for you to balance yourself. Take a walk. This simple act often allows you to clear your head, and regain your perspective.

Sometimes you need to express yourself. You can do this several ways. Sometimes you can write your feelings down, like in journaling. Putting your thoughts on paper is powerful and often releases them so your mind can clear. Sometimes a guided writing format helps. I use what I call the Soul Letter technique to guide me through the 7 steps of the emotional ladder. I find it helps to keep me balanced in my expression of my feelings and emotions. (See Get Unstuck! Chapter 9)

If writing it’s not a practical solution or it isn’t going to do it at the time, you may want to try blowing off a little steam with some loud expression. This often can be challenging to shout your feelings, and not disturb others. One way to do this is to stack several pillows on a bed or couch and place your head deep into them and shout away! If you’re near nature where there aren’t a lot of people around, you can shout and only the squirrels or seagulls will hear you. Once you’ve expressed yourself, you’ll feel a release and then hopefully you will more balanced.

Whatever combination you use, there is always a way out. Know that there is and you will find it. Now take a deep breath, and face your day!

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” ~Albert Schweitzer~

5 Things to do to help a friend in need.

Friends often reach out for help when they are in need. Here’s what to do when your friend reaches out to you.

First try to calm them down a little by asking them to take a couple of deep breaths. Literally get them to pause for just a moment and breathe. Often times this will bring them more into a balanced state of mind.

The second thing to do is to listen, really listen to them. Sometimes you need to make a “safe space” for them to open up. This can be accomplished by giving them your full attention. Even on the phone, they can sense whether you are giving them only part of your attention. If you’re physically with them, look at them, look in their eyes. Have an empathetic attitude and make sure it reflects in your face. Don’t make any judgments about what you hear. Come from a place of neutrality.

Ask them if they want your advice or if they just want you to listen. Men often make the mistake of trying to “fix” a problem when they see it. That’s why a new problem may be created if advice is offered and not wanted. Sometimes you may have some advice that fits for you, but might not be the best for them. So first ask them what they see as a solution. People have their own answers, but often times are too involved to see them. Other times with a little reflection they will figure out what needs to be done.

If you do offer advice, make sure it is balanced. Sometimes we have our own agenda when we offer advice. It’s always best to frame your advice with something like well if I were in your situation, I might such and such. Remember they are looking for support, but you need to be their balance to help them to see what makes sense to them. Remember that if you say throw the bum out, and they decide they want to stay with him; you are setting yourself up for a problem of your own.

Finally make sure they feel heard. Often that’s the real need they have. You can perception check with them by asking “If I hear you right, you are feeling such and such.” Then see if you are accurate. Once they really feel that they’ve expressed their feelings and emotions and feel heard, the problem will seem handleable. Just knowing that they have support can make them feel better and have hope. Pass this on, you may be saving someone you love.

John Seeley M.A. holds a Master’s degree in psychology is a Life Coach, Speaker and Author of the book Get Unstuck! The Simple Guide to Restart Your Life. John Seeley is President/CEO of Blue Moon Wonders and HeartFire Seminars, which specialize in educational and personal growth workshops and products.

John grew up in the Midwest the youngest of five children. He has lived and worked all over the country for Fortune 500 companies. John has been involved in personal growth & coaching since 1990. He works with individuals as well as business executives who have a commitment to making positive changes and awakening a greater sense of purpose and fulfillment in their lives and companies. John is a catalyst for change your life and has been in the lives of many people. John’s books Get Unstuck! The Simple Guide to Restart Your Life! and Get Unstuck! The Companion Workbook are showing people the steps to take to get their lives moving and create the life they really want. for more info and other articles go to http://www.getunstuck.com

I watched as an 8-year-old All-Star slid dramatically into second base. Yet the umpire gave the dreaded signal, “Out!” The crowd yelled, “That’s OK. Way to hustle! Great try!”

Another little fellow swings the bat with all the power he can muster…three times without hitting the ball. Each time, the fans encouraged, “Good swing! Now just pick out a good one and make contact! Watch it over. You can do it!” Then the strike-out. “That’s OK, man. Next time.”

I eavesdroppped as one of the coaches talked to my grandson Joseph’s team, who had just lost their second in the double elimination tournament. “We have nothing to be ashamed of. You guys played hard and you played well. The other team just played a little better this time. You’re gonna keep practicing and next year, you’ll come back and you’ll be great!”

I was impressed as Steven, another coach, modeled for his young protégés the responsibility he was trying to teach. In front of the whole team, he apologized to Adam for his own mistake in signaling the boy to run on to third base in a play that resulted in an out. He didn’t want the young man to blame himself for something that wasn’t his fault.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Of course, we tell them those things. We don’t want them to get discouraged. We want them to keep trying and not give up.”

Exactly.

We instinctively know what we need to do the keep these little guys motivated and encouraged.

(Most of us, that is. Unfortunately, in the last few years of attending these games, I have heard occasionally heard some children being subjected to loud, harsh criticism from insensitive parents. I admit I was savoring the idea of punching them out when I was deterred by picturing the next day’s headlines in the Hattiesburg American!)

HOW DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF?

You know how to encourage others. But do you do as well with yourself? Do you know how to keep yourself encouraged in the face of failure and setbacks? Take this short quiz.

1. When you make a mistake, do you ever talk to yourself harshly and judgmentally, like this? “You idiot! Can’t you do anything right? You should have known better.”

Think about it. What if you had a spouse or a boss that talked to you this way? How would this affect your performance? Your morale? Your confidence?

Why not use more encouraging words to yourself, like the fans to the Little Leaguers? Talk to yourself about the effort you made, the little ways that your most recent try showed improvement over the last, and the things you learned from the failed attempt.

2. Do you ever generalize from a specific performance failure to seeing yourself as a general failure?

In other words, you didn’t fail that test. You’re a failure as a student. You didn’t lose that contract. You’re a dud as a salesperson.

Change that! Talk to yourself about the specific situation. Don’t overgeneralize.

3. When you don’t accomplish what you had hoped, do you tell yourself, “This is always the way it is for me?”

In other words, do you view the failure as a never-ending pattern?

Challenge that hope-robbing perspective. If you are to keep hope and keep trying, you must see your failures as temporary. Get to work and find out how you can do better next time.

4. Do you make yourself responsible for things over which you have no control?

Recognize your human limits. Others make their own choices about what they do, despite your best efforts. There are very real conditions that impact your success at a task, no matter how skillfully and diligently you try. Take responsibility for doing your best, but be realistic about what you can control and what you can’t.

BE YOUR BEST FRIEND

If you have trouble changing the habit of talking negatively to yourself, here’s another tool you can use. Imagine that your best friend were telling you about the situation you’re in, and that the words being used were self-berating…like yours. What would you say to him or her? How would you encourage him or her to find the best in the situation and keep trying?

See…you do know how to do it. Now, do that for yourself.
If you aren’t your own best friend, who will be?

Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist who has worked with organizations across the globe for over 20 years. Her high-energy, high-content, high-involvement Magnetic Workplaces (r) programs provide dozens of practical strategies and skills that can be put to work immediately to:

1. build strong leaders who influence and develop others through serving
2. energize, motivate, and retain team members
3. successfully accomplish important organizational transitions
4. impress customers and build their loyalty

Review a complete list of her programs available for your convention or corporate meeting at the website, www.MagneticWorkplaces.com

In a bobsled competition, the race often continues long after the winners have been declared and in some cases, the medals have been presented. Interestingly, despite this fact, I have never seen any of the remaining teams approach their runs with a nonchalant attitude. You can easily make the case that completing the race is a mere formality since the winners have already been declared. However, what I have observed instead are individuals pushing and racing with the ferocity and intensity of a team within striking distance of wining gold and setting a record. That, in my mind, is the essence of excellence and as George Will said, “Sports serve society by providing vivid examples of excellence.”

Growing up, I was taught that anything worth doing is worth doing well. I have always understood that to mean that anything we do must be done in a superior manner. In our society the word excellent is synonymous with superior performance. Over the years, experience has taught me that that is only part of the meaning. I believe it also means that we must give our absolute best effort every time. We have to be willing to push a little harder and to reach just a little beyond where we are right now. While the last team pushing off the top of the hill knows they don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell to win the race, they still put in a gigantic effort because they are striving to improve on their last performance and to create new personal bench marks. This is what peak performers do. This is the hallmark of excellence.

Excellence does not happen by chance - neither is it a single event. It takes a total commitment and consistent effort to be the best we can be. Aristotle said it best when he declared, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.” When we get in the habit of being excellent at what we do, we raise our own expectation level and are therefore able to reach beyond ourselves. In pursuing excellence we find ourselves on a continuous journey. Not pursuing perfection, but rather seeking constant improvement; learning and developing new skills and satisfying an innate desire deep down inside to explore our full potential. As John Gardener points out, “When we raise our sights, strive for excellence….we are enrolling in an ancient and meaningful cause - the age long struggle of humans to realize the best that is in them.”

Someone who practices excellence is:

Focused

They are clear about their goals and work with a singleness of purpose to achieve them. Through effort and sweat equity they willing pay in advance the price exacted in order to receive the prize at the end. “Before the gates of excellence the high gods have placed sweat; long is the road thereto and rough and steep at first; but when the heights are reached, then there is ease, though grievously hard in the winning” states the early Greek Poet Hesiod. In short, there is no excellence without focused labor.

Motivated

They are motivated to achieve. They are motivated to be at their best, using all the unlimited, untapped resources they have on the inside to create something incredible with the limited resources they have on the outside. Their passion for their goals ensures that they shun mediocrity and thus perform in an excellent way.

Ambitious

They see themselves as individuals with the capacity to be really good at what they do and because they are so motivated they consistently go over and above what is required.

As Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.”

Like the last sledders racing off the top of the hill even after the medals have been awarded, I encourage you to practice excellence:

• Consistently strive to do your best no matter what.

• Face new challenges head on.
• Embrace any and all opportunities to learn and improve.

There are TWO KEY CONCEPTS to memorizing a long list of items:

1) Converting each item into an IMAGE as RIDICULOUS and STRIKING as possible.

2) LINKING those images to one another through ACTIONS as RIDICULOUS and STRIKING as possible.

For example, tonight after I returned from work I intended to write 10 more ezine articles.

However, I needed to get out and do my run as well. So I didn’t have the time to sit down with a pen in hand and meditate on the list.

I used this very same method to make up a list while I ran. By the time I got back home I had a nice 10-item list of all the articles I wanted to write tonight and there was no way I was going to forget it due to the strength of the embedded images.

This is how I did it:

First of all I wanted to write an article on running and especially on how to find the TIME to run in this busy world of ours. So my first image was of MYSELF RUNNING out of the house in such GREAT HASTE that I was leaving behind a trail of flames and a foul-smelling smoke! That corresponded to article number 1.

Secondly, I wanted to write an article on my LOVE OF BOOKS, especially on the JOY of collecting AUTOGRAPHED BOOKS (I do have modest collection of them).

Now I conjured up the image of an OPEN BOOK as BIG as the road I was running on. I imagined the pages of the book started to burn because of the TRAIL OF FIRE and SMOKE that I left behind when I ran out of my house in a hurry, remember?

Thus the first two images connected nicely, reminding me the first two items on my list (running, collecting books). That took care of the article number 2 as well.

A third topic was RESTORING OLD CRUMBLING BOOKS. So in my imagination, I’ve jumped from the first burning book to a SECOND BOOK CRUMBLING all over. I was having difficulty running on this book because the book needed RESTORATION, see? That was article number 3. That connected the first three images and list items.

Then the page collapsed like a house collapsing in fire and in my imagination I went right through it and fell on a fluffy white hair-like stuff.

Actually, yes, IT WAS GRAY HAIR! I fell into the hair of TAYLOR HICKS, the fifth winner of American Idol. Now this was great because the next article I wanted to write was about how GRAY HAIR is in as a fashion statement. That was article number 4.

Then I saw Taylor Hicks wearing a brown hooded monk robe and fingering his prayer beads because my next article would be on HOW INCONVENIENT SPIRITUAL TRUTHS CAN BE. That’s article number 5.

The visual connection to article number six was a piece of cake. I saw the monk in brown hooded dress get fried by a blue bolt of electric current. He was in great agony and could not stop the DIVINE ELECTRICITY surging through his body. Perfect. Because I wanted to write about the power and danger of the mysterious KUNDALINI as article number 6.

Kundalini is always represented by a COILED SERPENT. In my imagination the coil transformed into CONCENTRIC CIRCLES and the aisles of a supermarket organized as CONCENTRIC CIRCLES, which brought me to article number 7 - a BETTER WAY to organize the existing SUPERMARKET FLOOR PLANS.

The same concentric circles, when looked from above, also resemble a HUMAN BRAIN. I saw numbers and words swimming in the brain which brought me to article number 8 - how to memorize a long list of things (which is THIS article you are reading right now!).

Then I saw the brain gunning down and shooting forward at a great speed like a VOLKSWAGEN (the VW Beetle’s profile resembles a brain, doesn’t it? Well, I’m taking a lot of poetic license of course).

Which brought me to CARS and the BLACK BUICK I saw earlier today. Yes, I wanted to write something about Buicks and the way Buicks are modeled these days. Article number 9.

Finally, I remembered where I saw the BUICK - at a parking lot in STERLING, Virginia. Yes, I also wanted to write an essay about STERLING, VIRGINIA and that concluded my list of ten articles.

Even three hours after I finished my run I still remember the “List of 10″ very vividly and there is no way I’m going to forget them any time soon until I replace this list in my mind with another equally RIDICULOUS list — or equally ridiculous gallery of images.

As you can see, “memorizing” long lists can be a lot of FUN because of all the stupid images that you have to come up with and link to one another.

Try it today and you’ll be surprised how easily you can keep in your mind long shopping lists and other lists that you had difficulty with remembering before.

THINK RIDICULOUS and LINK IMAGES. It’s as simple as that.

It may sound silly but the key to self-confidence and building more self-esteem is through practice. Practice what it is you want to feel more confident about and eventually, the confidence will show itself. That makes sense if we’re talking about a skill like playing the piano. With enough practice, you naturally begin to get good at it and then you feel more confident. But what about tougher things like public speaking or meeting new people? How do you practice something that you’re terrified to do in the first place?

If you have extreme self-esteem issues then you might want to seek professional help, but if you’ve determined that isn’t necessary, I would suggest that you start out by finding something that you genuinely love to do. Other than maybe reading books or doing crossword puzzles over coffee, most hobbies are a good place to start. Do you love to paint? Do you love to play a musical instrument? Do you love athletics? Find something that you love to do or that you think you would love to do. It’s not important what it is other than that it would bring you into contact with people on a tiny level. Unless you’re living in a cave somewhere, somebody is going to see your art work, hear your music, or see you running around practicing your sport. You don’t have to pick a big team oriented thing, just something that fascinates you and will be noticeable. Then do it. Learn to draw, take music lessons, start playing basketball in your own driveway, whatever, just start doing something that you can really enjoy.

Keep doing it until you get really good at it. It doesn’t have to necessarily be your career, but that would be fun for you if it was. Practice often and with complete joy. Lose yourself in it. That’s part of overcoming self-confidence issues is forgetting to think about you. Swim laps at the pool until you forget to care how you look. Get lost in something other than analyzing yourself. Fall in love with some hobby that takes your mind away from what others might think of you. Just keep practicing something you love until you get really good at it. It’s your hobby and your love, so don’t make any judgments over whether or not it’s stupid to like doing whatever it is that you like doing. Just get on with it.

When you’re in the moment — writing music or designing websites or whatever it is you’ve chosen, take a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come. At some point, you’re going to realize that you’re not too bad. At another point, you’ll even think, “Hey, I’m pretty good at this.” Someday, you’ll look up and notice that you’re an expert or at the very least awesome at what you’ve chosen to do. Take that growing self-confidence that’s connected to your hobby and begin channeling it into other areas. Depending on how much of a self-esteem problem you started out with it could be a matter of months or years before you are able to really see yourself in a new light. It’s one thing to say that everyone has their unique and special talent. It’s quite another to find and embrace your own.

Your talent will not be something you hate doing. Sure, I’m really very good at scrubbing the bathroom. You can conduct a white glove inspection when I’m done, but that’s not my special talent. That’s not my special gift to the world. And it sure as heck never built an ounce of self-confidence for me. No, you have to really truly deeply love what it is you’re doing or the talent won’t show itself. You have to forget to think and lose all track of time while zoning out in the flow of creating, building, stretching, and growing with the hobby. Get to the point that when you look up and notice what you’ve done, that you’re impressed with yourself. Practice until you get to that point where you forget to judge yourself. You could very well end up making it into your career if there’s a market for it. If there isn’t, no harm done. You have got to build a can-do attitude around your ability to do something well.

Once you’ve learned something that well, you can begin stretching beyond your comfort zone and trying other things like public speaking. Okay so that might not happen right away, but once you’ve really mastered something, then you can always remind yourself that you are capable of success and you are capable of learning something new. Once you know that you can practice and learn new things, then the fear of new things isn’t nearly so immobilizing. You can step beyond your fears knowing that with enough practice you can master almost anything you set your mind to. At that point, you won’t actually have a self-esteem problem anymore.

The point is that by playing around with something you love until you are very good at it, you will gain self-esteem and that is going to make it possible for you to hold your head high and to bravely step into other more frightening areas of life. Start out by practicing at something you love until you’re good at it, then move on to the other things that don’t sound like much fun at all. You’ll really know deep down that there’s nothing to be afraid of. It all comes down to whether or not you believe that you are capable of learning something new. That’s all. Self-confident people reassure themselves when walking into unknown territory by saying, “Well, I’ll just have to wing it until I learn how to do it right. I’m sure I’ll figure it out soon enough.” That comes from experiencing the positive effects of having practiced and learned something new. So go learn something new — start with something fun.

Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow’s Edge

About The Author

Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow’s Edge, an Internet leader in inspiring leaps of faith. She became a writer in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, soulmates, and parenting. Her books and articles have inspired people of all ages and faiths to recommit themselves to the pursuit of happiness. After years of high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her pajamas. To read more of her articles, sign up to receive her free weekly newsletter, and get free previews of her books go to http://www.TomorrowsEdge.net.

Skye@TomorrowsEdge.net